Implementing boundaries - conversations with a clinical psychologist.

November 13, 2022 ·

Rose Baylis

Boundaries.

An uncomfortable word. A word that has always reminded me of punishment. Discipline. The consequences of the actions of socially-inept people with overly involved personality types.

But the older I have gotten, the more I have realized that is not the case. 

Boundaries do not have to be uncomfortable, scary, punishing repercussions. Instead, they  can be gently communicated acts of self love. Through experience I have learnt that boundaries are not put in place to punish me, boundaries are put in place to protect me. 

I sat down with a clinical psychologist in Auckland, New Zealand; to pick her brain around  the concept of boundaries. What are boundaries? Why are they important? Where do they come from, and how do we know if we have violated them?

This psychologist pointed me in the direction of psychological literature where I took a closer look at prior research on the Subjugation Schema. A schema is best described as a pattern of repeated thoughts or behaviors and a subjugation schema essentially perpetrates the fear and anxiety of rejection or humiliation of exposing our true selves. In order to avoid said rejection, our anxious thoughts take over and disable us from authentically acting as ourselves. As a result, we end up suppressing our own needs, desires, opinions and decisions. 

In short, we end up feeling crap about ourselves. Overly anxious. Self focused. Obsessed with projecting a version of ourselves on to someone else, in an act of desperation  to gain their approval.

And the cycle starts again. 

When a Subjugation Schema is in full force, boundaries are eroded because the individual is acting out of a reactory place of seeking approval of another, as opposed to honoring ourselves.

“Boundaries are important because they are directly associated with our sense of self,” explains Clare, a clinical psychologist. 

Often people erode their own boundaries through tolerance of interpersonal treatment, engagement of activity or partaking in conversations that violate our boundaries, thus resulting in a deflated sense of self. 

A deflated sense of self. 

We all know that feeling. Disappointed with the personal actions of the night before, knowingly partaking in a conversation that doesn't quite sit right with us or being a bystander in a situation we have no control over that  leaves us feeling icky.

Our boundaries are directly related to our values set. And when personal boundaries are eroded, our value set is neglected.

In order to be able to establish healthy boundaries, it starts with our values system. And considering our values system is influenced by not only our upbringing, the current climate of the world and spur of the moment decisions, how can we ever arrive at a fully packaged and branded deal of what is right and wrong?

The thing about being a human - is that it's messy and complicated. Confusing and confronting. But with ample opportunity to grow, learn, make mistakes and apologize. If you’re not sure where to start in boundary setting or implementing, here are some takeaways from picking the brains of a clinical psychologist. 

1. Establish your boundaries by building your value set.

   It is difficult to establish your non-negotiables and interpersonal absolutes. Value systems are not necessarily choices, instead they are birthed out of individual experience. It is important to remember that they are continuous! Unlike goals, they can't be completed or accomplished.

   Research says our values can be defined into four categories

   • Relationships
   • Education and work
   • Personal development and wellness
   • Leisure 

   We may find ourselves in different states with each of these categories. To make sense of them further, a good inventory to take is to write down what is important to you within all of these categories. ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) based teachings provide a great worksheet for building values and prompts scoring on how important each is to you. This is a helpful source to get started and know yourself better and can be found here .

2. Make a practical plan on how you're going to live closely aligned to your values 

   As important as it is to be aware of our values, it's also important to align our goals with them. Goal setting can seem tedious, but once  followed through, it can provide great reward. By engaging in activities that give our lives meaning and purpose, it encourages the cycle of well-meaning and authentic activity that builds up a sense of self, rather than depleting it. 

   By making a practical plan on how our goals and values are going to align, we have a place to come back to when we feel emotionally depleted, and can measure behaviorally, where things went off. 

   The four tips below help us conceptualize our goal setting.

   • Measure. Ask yourself, how will I track my goal setting and results? Is it through journaling, self reflection, accountability, showing up for my authentic self or is it outcome and achievement based?
   • Attainability. Make sure it is possible to achieve what you want. If you grew up in a home that never once discussed the value of money or budgeting, don’t expect to be a financial and saving guru overnight. To achieve goals and cultivate values, time and humility is needed. 
   • Realism. Acknowledge that a lot of practicality is involved. A lot of failure is involved. And a lot of patience is involved. Get comfortable with being realistic. 

3. Communicate and learn 

   At the end of the day, it's all about communicating. Communicating with ourselves to establish where, and how we each sit on differing social and relational matters, and secondly, communicating our needs and boundaries with others.

   It takes time to get to know ourselves. It takes even longer to get to know others. And it takes even longer to navigate the conceptualization of the environment and how these all play into one another.

Boundaries are a lifelong journey. Let me know when you've figured it out.

All my love,

J